Becoming

I sit in my desk chair this morning weeping.  Reading in scripture “For it is He who trusted who enter the rest” Hebrews 4: 3.   After a life time of pursuing, after a lifetime of achieving, after a life time of going after things that I perceive are who I am, I discover all has been for naught.  Even while I have lived in the perspective of “following God”.  Trying with my whole heart to do as he has called me to do; pressing into scripture; understanding his signs and living by the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I discovered today that my underlying motivation has taken me into a lifelong journey that really has not been the way the Lord has wanted me to live.   That although my heart is in the right place and my desires are pure in that I truly want to live my life following the Lord, it has been encumbered by a deep root of performance that has influenced every decision I have made.   A mind set that is deeply rooted and developed from my early childhood upon layers of acceptance seeking, shame avoidance and people pleasing.    Becoming a person that people like.   Becoming a person that people admire.   Becoming a person people want to know.   Becoming a person that my family would be proud of, my husband and daughter will love, and my friends can trust.  Becoming the person my boss finds valuable, my business peers find inspirational and my co-workers find pleasant to be around.  

 “Becoming” is a word that reflects performance.   It is a tricky word because the world encourages “becoming”.   The world likes people who “become” all of the things that are popular and endearing to those who represent the world.   However, scripture reflects “becoming” is not what we should endeavor to be.  In fact, the Lord says, we must “rest” and we must “trust”.   It is “He who has trusted who enters the rest”.  Rest requires trust.   Rest requires letting go of all that I deem important and replacing it with all that God deems important.   Rest is the opposite of performance.   Rest requires letting go of works. 

Letting go is not easy.   Trusting is not easy.   Resting is not easy.   It means, giving up all that I have become to receive all that He has.   It requires a complete willingness to walk into all that he has for me and not all that I want for me.    Performing for God requires resting in Him.   Obeying God requires trusting him.    Resting and trusting are states of being, and not states of doing.  Mind bending thoughts for one who has lived 50 years performing.   Living under the lie that God requires me to do something, living under the perspective that I am doing well when I am performing well.    Living under the pressures of the world, when the Lord says reject the world.   

Today I realize that the old Becky had become something that was not God’s desire.   His original plan for me was to become what he has designed me for and not what the world requires.   Today I am ready to give up the world and walk within what he has designed.  I do not know who that Becky is, but I’m sure she is amazing.   Because all that God creates is amazing.   I get to discover her every minute of every day as I move into my tomorrow, not living by performance, but by just trusting and resting in Him.

butterflies photo credit goes to https://stocksnap.io/author/suzyhazelwood