These past few weeks, my thoughts have been filled with confusion and pressure. Professionally, I have been pressing hard to plan my future. I love timelines, planning and execution. I don’t disagree that everyone should have at least a little bit of order and planning and goal setting does give one a direction to take. But, I take planning to an extreme. I’m a master planner. Most people set a few goals for the New Year and are totally ok with forgetting about them 3 weeks later. Not me. I put together a plan and commit to it. I take my yearly goals down to quarterly goals down to monthly goals down to weekly goals down to daily goals and down to hourly goals. I then create daily action plans and prioritize every action. Sound intense?! Oh yeah. I love it. Why? Because I love achieving goals and striking “done” on each one of my actions. This behavior has allowed me to achieve high performance accolades, gain material wealth, travel the world, and really leverage my time. The world loves people like me. They call us “high performers”. I was sold on this lifestyle until I hit my 49th birthday.
On my 49th birthday, I looked back at what I had accomplished and said “wow” that was great, now what? I looked ahead and said to myself, now that you have “been there and done that” what’s next? I had realized that even though I had achieved the American dream of a successful career, big house, getting my daughter through college, creating a non-profit ministry and having a healthy bank account, there was still something very, very important missing. I had learned a whole lot, gained a whole lot of stuff and did a whole lot of things, but the hole in my heart still wasn’t filled and honestly, I was exhausted. Something was still missing, and I didn’t have the energy to go find it.
I have found what was missing. Ironically, it didn’t take much energy to find Him. But I still battle with performance. It sneaks up like a fox and it works like this. I have this period of creativity where I am just enjoying life, not striving, but creating. Watching birds, enjoying the flowers, and putting color, shapes and faces on paper. No real anxiety or stress and not pressing to do anything but create. Then performance somehow sneaks in. I don’t see it until it suddenly appears spinning like a tornado inside my head, driving me towards goals and confusing me with thoughts of things I need to accomplish. “You have a lot to do, a lot to accomplish, people are depending upon you, and you don’t have a lot of time, get going!” Those are the words I hear in my thoughts. I then hear “Take a deep breath. I’ve got this.” (The Lord speaking). “I don’t understand. What do you have?” I ask. “This” he says. I hold my head wondering what “this” is. All I know is that I am filled with anxiousness in my head I need to get rid of these confusing thoughts driving me towards some professional goal. I don’t pray for help because I don’t think I need it. I believe I need to solve this confusion myself. An uninvited, but welcomed voice enters my head again and says “Rest. Take a Sabbath.” It’s the Lord speaking. In response, I think “What? Really? I’m already behind the eight ball in time and you want me to rest?” His answer “Yes, rest. create. I’ve got this. You can rest because I have your plans and I have your future. You will walk it out with me and it will be in perfect timing and all that needs to be done will be accomplished exactly within my perfect plan. Now go create! I’ve got this.” says The Lord.
In the beginning God CREATED the heavens and the earth. Genesis 1:1
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